They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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