When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
