I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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