My nipple is on Facebook.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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