Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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