wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
