She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
