Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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