i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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