I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
