I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
