ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
