Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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