I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
