threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
