I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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