I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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