I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize