You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
