he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
