Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
