got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
