I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
