when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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