I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
