I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The uberlube is also flammable
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
