New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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