Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
