Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
