please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
