The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
