why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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