he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
