Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
