he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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