I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
