then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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