you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
time to smoke my breakfast
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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