Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
