After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
