Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
