So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I stole a fireplace last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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