i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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