I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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