im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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