You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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