I cannot find my penis.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
