I accidentally burped into my bong.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
