I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
