Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
