i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
