Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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