I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
