Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize