I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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