If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
