Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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