She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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