seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
