She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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