You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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